you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
