i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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