If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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