You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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