I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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