Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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