i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
