he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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