Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
