i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
