I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
