i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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