I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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