if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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