After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
