it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
