I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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