i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
