new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
