matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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