Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize