So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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