New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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