Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
