Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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