if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
