Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
