Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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