the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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