I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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