I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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