Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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