ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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