i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
