Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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