so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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