whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
