I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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