Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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