yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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