Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
