I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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