I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
