In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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