I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
