Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Floor bacon is actually really good
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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