so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
