I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
