Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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