i just sent this text using only my big toe
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
