The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
