I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im six kinds of drunk right now
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
